Down in the Schlumps

Schlumps is a word right? I hope so because I might as well be buried under some schlumps right now. I don’t know if it’s the hormones in me, the lack of dopamine, or the anxiety of school tomorrow…but I feel horrible and I ten out of ten do not recommend feeling like this.

Honestly, whenever I feel this sad and anxious, I just want to cry. Oh look at that, typing the word cry actually made my eyes well up with tears. Weird right? sigh I just don’t know guys/galls/whomever-you-are. This blog is seeming to consist of lots of posts more on the negative side, but I’ve just been poorly lately. No worries, hopefully the me we all know will come home soon.

Anyways, yeah I’m just super bleugh right now. I’m stuck between all three:


But you see, I can’t show any of these. If I do, I’ll be labeled into a category of rejects, kids that couldn’t handle life. I’ll be that one weird girl that is fake, two-faced, melodramatic, depressed, whatever. I’ll be outcasted as though I’m the black sheep. This is the sad truth about high school. The ones that succumb to the stress and pressures of high school fall victim to bullying, ostracism, hate, and rumors.

It’s so unbelievably stupid, because these kids are the strongest. They go through all these turmoils, all these wrong things in their life, and they don’t say a single damned word. Shout out to every struggling young adult out there – I don’t know how you do it and I know it’s an uphill battle everyday, it’s a fight that will end with time. So fight everyday and remember if not anyone is there to reinforce you, that I will gladly take up a sword for you.

Okay, I got sidetracked and had to get that out of my system. Just a friendly PSA that you’re not alone. But onto my personal problems, which by comparison are minuscule, but yknow daily struggles of me.

So like I mentioned up top, whenever I get upset and sad and in the schlump like this, I get really scared too. You see, my paternal side has a long running history (or to my knowledge at least) of Parkinson’s Disease. This horribly decapitating disease that unhinges you physically and mentally at different rates and gah it’s just horrible. But during PD, your brain stops making dopamine. Dopamine is essentially the hormone your brain secretes to give you the feeling of pleasure when you accomplish something. So in this rut of emotions, I feel like in life, I haven’t done much. I feel unaccomplished you could say. So this fear strikes me: am I going to have PD too?

This has been my fear for so long. Seeing my dad become handicapped and barricaded by the lack of existence of a monster is the worst thing ever. So I always have this small thought that maybe I’ll get PD. Maybe I’ll reach this peak in life and overcome all these great mountains and just as I relish in happiness, I’m struck with PD. It seems that’s how it always is. Overcome a mountain, and before you can see the sun, overcome another one. But this mountain, you can’t overcome. You’re stuck at a wall that is pretty much a ninety degree angle. You can jump, you can buy moon boots, you can grab some friends and stand on each other’s shoulders, you can get a damn jet pack; but none of it will get you over the top and you die at the base of this mountain.

I hate PD. I hate it so much. I’ve always wanted to become a neuroendocrinologist or neuro surgeon or neurologist or anything just to save someone else. Everyone knows I have this crazy dream because goodness it was horrible to grow up with, I can’t even imagine the pain my dad must have been through. Someday maybe I’ll tell his story.

I don’t know where this post was supposed to go. I’m just sitting in the living room, papers splayed out, trying to do my AP Eng homework. I’m tired. I’m going to bed and waking up later to work more I think. I don’t know.



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