I am so grateful.

I realized this past month or few months have been so rough and I’ve been nothing but struggling to stay afloat. From depression, to bullying, to having nightmares about my dad, to paranoia, to plain ol’ school: I’ve just been struggling. Staying up to 3 AM, if not pulling a complete allnighter to do homework and then crashing when I come home from school. I am probably the most unhealthy teenager you’ll ever meet. (Okay that’s a full out lie, I’m not an alcoholic, pregnant, or doing drugs, but you get my point.)

I knew that coming into junior year would be hard because it’s a butt-ton of work. SAT, college, ACT, “finding yourself”, prom, all this stuff. I’ve always been compelled to be #1 for everything. I’ve always compelled to be right. Thank goodness I’m so wrong so often because I don’t know how much longer I could go before I hit a wall. I finally faced legitimate failures that I can’t just run from this year. Usually if I failed/was rejected/was wrong, I would turn around and find another way to achieve whatever it was I was trying. But this year, after a handful of things gone wrong, I finally learned to accept it. It’s okay to lose, to be wrong, to not be perfect. I think it’s great. Pick your battles right?

Anyways just throughout all this mucky glomp this past few months, I’m really grateful I have the people I do have. They say friends that matter won’t mind and friends that do mind don’t matter. It’s true. All my friends have stuck by me through these crappola of events and stood strong. None of them push me to tell them what’s up but they do push to tell me that they’re there. They don’t push me into anything I don’t like but they push me to get out of my mind. They don’t push me in any way that a friend shouldn’t push you. I love that.

I’m just so happy and so grateful. I have the biggest support system around me. A friend of mine texted me last night “I love you (:” out of nowhere because he had a feeling I wasn’t well. Another friend randomly showed up at my house and gave me a hug just to let me know she’s here for me. Another friend let me cry to her in the bathroom, mid-way through Spanish class. Another friend sent me an impromptu letter lifting my spirits. One friend actually preaches Bible verses and his philosophy essays to me to make me feel better. Another sings to me through Snapchat videos. My mom came into my room last night at 2am and laid in bed with me because she had a feeling I wasn’t well. My advisor periodically texts me smiley faces just to make me smile.

Seriously, I am so so so lucky to be surrounded by all these people. I have more than all the love I need and I am just so happy. Granted I do cry a lot and have lots of mood swings and criticize myself more than I need to, I’m just so appreciative that those around me deal with this. So just. Love. Lots of love and hugs and love and thanks to everyone. I just love you all so much.

Thank you Toska R, Nina N, Timtam, Raekwon W, Anh Khoa, Nano, David L, Kyle H, Jiin, Valentina, Mari P, James M, Thalia, Kyle D, Maria, Sterling, Mickala, Justine, Alex G, Edwin R, Noah R,  Edwin M, Emma C, Kathleen S, Mabel, Becky D, JimJam, Ernesto, Beo, Andreas, Jason M, Megan D, Cam G, Matt E, and Mummy. I love yall.

-PN

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