This is part of my series of posts on “theories”/”ideas” I’ve consolidated over conversations (mainly with Kyle), spacing out, and just late night thoughts. This theory in particular stemmed from a quote I read on Tumblr.
Second Chance: Who gives a fuck about your first love. Give a big round of applause for your second love, cause they taught you love still exists after you thought it never could again.
So after thinking about this, I thought about how many lovers a person has in their life. Not literally a number for how many people a person has dated or whatever, but the kinds of lovers a person has. To my theory, I believe there are 4 lovers that you go through in your life.
The first lover is, well, your first love. Whether it be your 7th grade relationship or high school crush, this is the teeny bop, happy, “I love you so much” kind of love. The unguarded and completely innocent, fall for him/her in 3 days kind of deal. This person is your first experience with love and the person who defines what “love” and a relationship means. If you start out on a bad foot, you might write off relationships in general. Usually these break ups are in our early years (teens/early 20s) and lead to the stereotypical ice cream eating, chocolate bingeing, Notebook/Titanic watching sadness. You know, listening to Taylor Swift and relating to every single lyric ever. When you break up with this person, usually it’s an overreaction or under reaction (no in-between). If you are the dumpee, you cry and are notably down in the slumps for some amount of time before finally moving on. If you’re the dumper, you feel relieved but sad and slightly regretful. “What if it was going to work out? What if I waited another day or two?” thoughts jump around in your head until you realize, the relationship was gonna die soon anyways. Regardless, the break up leaves you jaded. It leaves you a little more closed off, a little more cautious, a little more worried. That first lover will be the only person to ever receive all of you, all of your trust, all of your love.
The second lover is my favorite. This lover somehow pries open your heart and arms and sneaks under the barriers you’ve put up. This is a slower love. This love is relaxed, cautious, and new. It’s not your first relationship, so you aren’t foreign to what the boundaries are. This person is important because they show you love comes and goes in many ways. (S)he shows you that you can be loved and that your love is just as valuable as their’s (if not more). This person is just the right balance of everything and there’s almost too much obsession once you completely open up to them. Like I said before, this person shows you love isn’t a one time thing and once it’s taken away (by your first love), it can be restored to what you’ve dreamed of before. For some people, it ends here and they marry their 2nd love. Most people go on though, to break up with their second love. It’s too young, too early to commit. At this age, people are still growing. It’s hard to maintain a relationship now because you’re finding yourself as a person and your partner is finding themselves; sometimes you two are different from what you are when you break up from the time you started going out. You’ve grown apart and that’s a-okay.
The third lover has the toughest job. After breaking up with the 2nd lover, you’re more cautious, more relaxed, more knowing. You have enough experience to know if a relationship is going to tank within a few dates with the person. You have had enough break ups to know that you should love freely as if this will be the person you marry, knowing it won’t be. Not because you’re bitter or scared, but because you know better. Love works best this way. Love without restrictions, without bounds, without conditions; but be aware that this might not work someday and that it’s okay. This third lover teaches you love is real. This relationship is relaxed and low maintenance and natural. There’s no worrying about putting on make up or nice clothes. There’s no worrying about looking nice or gross around them. (Most importantly, taking a poo in their bathroom feels natural and okay like it’s your own bathroom.) This relationship is organic, honest, and comfortable.
The fourth lover is optional. Sometimes it ends at 3 lovers and if so, you can combine 3 and 4. But I feel like the fourth lover is a new ballgame. The fourth lover may be a friend that you’ve known for a long time, a random person you met in a bar (or these days on Tinder), or some other way. You might hate this person at first actually. But this person in the end, sweeps you up off your feet. They shower you with love and gifts and romantic scenes from movies and chocolates in the beginning but after a month or two, that wears off into a more low-maintenance and relaxed relationship. The need to impress and attract you is no longer there because you’ve accepted each other completely. It doesn’t bother either of you that you may have given up on spritzing that $300 cologne/perfume on before a date or worrying about morning breath when you sleep over. It’s okay because it’s just how you are and neither of you mind; in fact, you may love or appreciate your 4th lover’s sloppiness and little home tendencies. You argue openly and are honest with each other (often times, too honest) and hurt each other’s feelings, but both of you come back to each other every time. This is true love. Your fourth lover is your last lover, your favorite soul mate, and your other half. Cheesey, I know.
That theory doesn’t apply to all people of course, but in general, that’s what I see love and relationships as. There are a ton of filler relationships/flings/interests/crushes in between and they all contribute to how you view love as well. But the progression between these four specific lovers is the most important. You can have many #2 lovers as well. The cycle can be stuck on person 2 or person 3 for sometime, through many relationships. But eventually you find your 3rd or 4th person and it’ll be all well.
I’ve found my fourth lover already, thank goodness. I was introduced to Indian food when I was a child but we never grew close. A few weeks ago, I recently connected with Indian food again and…I’m just so in love. I know we’ll never be separated and that I will love Indian food forever, so I feel confident in telling all of you. ❤ For more about my journey with Indian food, you can follow my twitter @phuon_gnam. I tweet about Indian food a lot. ❤ ❤ ❤