A swelling heart means a healing heart…right?

I don’t know how to explain this. Pretty much this person and I aren’t close anymore and our relationship has been knocked back down to square one of acquaintances/friends. I’m sure that if we both tried hard enough, we could build up again but do we want to?

See the thing is, when you get really close to someone, really fast, you run a risk of hurting yourself. Hell, you run a risk of hurting yourself no matter what you do in life. But opening up to someone and then realizing you did it too soon. Ooh. My life, right there.

I can’t help but fear that as time passes and I go through more situations like this, I’ll become jaded. Eventually, I might just not bother with opening up. Does anyone else fear that? What if I get “hurt” so many times, I won’t even try anymore. It’s like a gymnast that has become hurt on vault. After an accident, you can’t just get back to it like you used to.

I don’t know where this is going. My heart is swelling a bit and maybe it’s just all in my head. Maybe God or fate or destiny or the Universe intended for me to go through with this path and have all of this happen. Maybe this was part of the path and my hardheaded self decided to go on a new path. So is this new path now my fate or did I abandon fate by stepping on this new path? Does this make sense? Probably not.

I don’t know, at this age and level of maturity and time in my life, I’m growing. I’m growing as a person, finding who I am, what I am, what I can be. So maybe being too attached to a specific person is too much. It’s hard too because you start the friendship as one person and months down the road, you’ve evolved so much. So sometimes friendships don’t work because you evolve in different directions and that’s okay, but it’s so sad. (I’ve mentioned this in previous posts.) I almost wish this hadn’t happened but I know I’ve come from it a more loving, a more empathetic, and more caring person.

I’m tired. I think I’m healing from this distance though. Maybe this is good. I know this is good. I know this is how life is and how life will be. I just don’t believe or want to believe this is how my relationship with said person should turn out.

Dear fate,

You upset me.

Sincerely,
everyone. ever.

-PN

p.s. shout out to making a new friend. He’s Canadian and kind of looks like this kpop idol but doesn’t?? He also hates birds so I’m not sure if this friendship is going to work out either. I’ll keep you updated.

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