Welcome to my pity party.
Last week I was out of school on Thursday and Friday because of exhaustion/stomach flu. I’ve thrown up about 3 (maybe 4?) times tonight. I’m debating on missing school tomorrow. I have an AP World test and math team, which are priorities. But if I’ve thrown up this many times, I might not be in the best condition for tomorrow…I love school and I love my classes and I love my teachers and I love my friends. I want to be in school, don’t get me wrong. But I’ve been getting sick so often lately. Ever since about 6th grade or so, I’ve gotten the seasonal flu every year. However, once I started high school, I noticed I started getting sick way way more often. I miss maybe an accumulative 10-20 days of every school year.
I don’t know if maybe it’s the accumulation of sleep deprivation, stress, and sadness, but I feel like I’m slipping so much. Yet the more I run to catch up, the more I slip. It’s like running on a treadmill: you can up the incline and speed all you want but you’re still standing in one place. Maybe that’s a bad analogy. My brain is putty right now.
I’ve been pretty upbeat lately I think. I’ve been super excited and smiley and happy, but I’m still feeling so icky. I almost feel like one side of my brain is trying to pull a fast one over the other side and convince itself that I’m happy when I’m just really sad.
I cried yesterday about my dad and it’s been a long time since I’ve really missed him. I don’t think I’ve cried over him in quite some time but yesterday was so rough. I was struggling with some math work and I was just so frustrated. Granted I’ve never been good at math, but my dad was always there as a backup to explain stuff, even if I never really listened. I mean I have my mom, who is amazing at math, but it’s just not the same. They have different teaching styles and personalities, and while both are great, I just miss my dad’s calm way.
Anyways, I came home from school and cried. Then I fell asleep and woke up at 7:20 pm and then cried again. Then talked to a Navy recruiter (I’m considering joining the Navy??) and my mom came up to scold me for being on the phone/talking all day (when I really wasn’t). Yesterday was just so rough.
Whenever I miss my dad, I crave 3 things: Tyson’s buffalo wings, Mực khô (Vietnamese shredded dried squid), and tacos. Every New Year, we’d eat buffalo wings together. Mực khô was one of my dad’s absolute favorite snacky/midnight foods. And I have no idea what correlation exists between my dad and tacos. I just really love tacos. So yesterday I was craving hardcore but I was also too upset to eat and so everything was rough. *sigh*
I haven’t gone to therapy in a while either. All the New England snow days combined with my sick days has prevented me from doing anything, let alone driving 30 min into Boston for an awkward therapy session. I open up to everyone about everything so easily, but there are a few things I don’t talk to anyone but Nina about. So the things that bother me most, I feel so uncomfortable bringing up, unless I’m actually crying about it in the moment (hence always Skyping Nina in the middle of the night).
Also I thought quitting YiG would mean the bullying and negative feelings and all of it would stop. And technically the bullying has stopped. But the thought of that person or just the thought of Youth in Government makes me so uncomfortable? Is that the right word? My stomach drops and I have this overwhelming feeling of regret and hatred and sadness. I regret quitting because maybe I could have stuck it out and it would have been fine. But I have this anger at myself because I quit because I was scared. I am scared. I still am scared to stand up for myself, but I wouldn’t hesitate to stand up for someone else. I think it’s so much easier to stand up and be someone else’s hero, but to be your own is such a broad step.
I thought maybe I could join YiG again next year but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. Just the thought of the possibility of being bullied or whatever it was again, it’s just too much. I hate myself for the fact that I can’t even hold my own ground or take help when it’s being offered so kindly. It’s a skill I need to learn but I’m just so scared to delve into a rainstorm that I don’t even care for the rainbow anymore. I’m grateful I did do YiG though. I learned a lot. Because of YiG, I’m now PAN’s Assistant State Director for MA. Which is totally cool. Instead of making mock legislation on the state level, I’m help reform disability law. Like actually making a difference in the world. (It’s still unreal.)
I’m going to stop there because I need to leave this pity party I’m throwing for myself. I feel like I’m writing a rant that will never end, but I don’t feel like myself at all. Like I’m not even in my own body as I write this, like I’m off somewhere far away. At least I wish I was off somewhere far away. Anyways, I’m sick again I think. I’m feeling really sad. I just want to go to school but I feel so muddled. *throws self on ground*