Part 1: I Really Don’t Like Changing

I’ve gone through lots of changes of all different magnitudes. Change is inevitable and in the words of Jack Welch, a great All-American businessman, change before you have to. Well I guess this is my semi-annual debriefing of change. I’m going to split this into two parts: change within myself and change around me. 

I haven’t been able to focus for the past few days because a certain idea has firmly planted itself in my noggin. It’s the idea that if A does not become a reality than 1-A, or the reciprocal, will. You eat your chocolate, you don’t eat your chocolate. Understand? So I’m here thinking this is all going to work out or it’s not. There’s no maybe because if I linger in this state of confusion and unknown, I’ve defaulted to 1-A. It’s like the idea of if you don’t try, you’ll never know.

I’ve never been one to hesitate when it comes to trying and adventuring to more. If you lined up a group of people and asked for a volunteer to jump into a giant hole that could be 10 ft or 1000ft deep, I’d be that awkward girl to raise my hand and then automatically regret it. Regardless, I’d still jump. Though jumping into a mysterious hole and making a decision like the one I’m thinking of is, well, quite different.

Actually it’s probably the same logic, but I’m scared to make this decision. I think it’s always refreshing to be able to accept fear and overcome it. I haven’t overcome this fear yet but I might. I just don’t want to take on decision A and then automatically regret it out of fear, and then just be defaulted to 1-A. Plus you can’t just cook an egg, decided it was too well done, and then transformed it back to it’s runny goopy mess.

I don’t know what to do. I have my mind set on running because it’s easier to run backwards then it is to step forward. Isn’t life fickle like that? In my mind I’m picturing this black line in front of me. And instead of just jumping over it, I’m making up every excuse and reason to avoid it.

If I did cross it what would happen? I don’t know. I don’t see any chance of success but I also don’t see failure either. There’s no clear cut hunch I have which is the scariest thing of all because I can almost always garner an idea of where I stand. All of this leads to a constant back and forth, a wanting to jump the line and wanting to run for the hills.

I can’t even deny how fickle I am because it’s this constant game of tug of war. It’s wanting A and pushing for it but then fearing it and trying to become comfortable with 1-A. But then I can’t so I go back to wanting A but not being completely comfortable with that either. I just wish someone would place me somewhere and tell me to stay.

This whole post was a game of tug of war. I’m going to just shut down to 1-A because the appeal of A is starting to become lackluster and I’m not feeling a pull anymore. #NamIsQuitting #Gasp

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2 thoughts on “Part 1: I Really Don’t Like Changing

  1. Just catching up with your posts – all of which seem to have comments closed on them up until this one, so this is my first opportunity to speak! Enjoying reading your posts though. Change is scary and sometimes plans have to change because they just don’t appeal any longer. It’s ok – it’s life.

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