So the first part of “change” was about a decision I’ve been faced with (and have yet to confront, but will in due time). Now part 2 is about growing up. Guess what today was guys? MY. LAST. DAY. OF. JUNIOR. YEAR.Do you guys know what that means? This fall, I’ll be a senior. That’s night. TOP OF THE CHAIN. TOP DOG. THE BIG HANCHO. OH YEAH.
I think I’m too excited. With SAT/ACT scores looking pretty good, my schedule not being too bad, and with summer about to kick off, I’m really excited to start the end of high school on such high notes.
But to kick summer off, I did something, quite…unexpected. I shaved the side of my head. I know, I’ll let you think about that for a moment. I did a sidecut/undercut, whatever you want to call it.
My mom is actually livid with me. But I don’t really understand why. I gather there’s a sense of humility, embarrassment, and confusion upon seeing me. Whereas I look in the mirror now and feel like I’m shining, I feel confidence and beauty. If you know me, I’ve talked about wanting to shave my head before. If I could, I would shave all of it. It’d be so cool.
This confidence boost I have…oh my goodness. I’ve never had great skin, it’s full of acne, hyper-pigmentation, redness, and so on. Though you’d never know that because since about 8th grade, I’ve been wearing a full-face of make-up almost everyday. I’m comfortable in my own skin, don’t get me wrong, but I’m not comfortable enough to just show up barefaced to school. Which is funny, because why do I care about my looks so much if my goal is education?
I guess it brings up my value of self-worth and confidence. So with this new side shaved thing, it’s one less part of my face to hide. Which makes me feel so confident. It’s edgy and rambunctious. As my friends describe it, it reflects my personality so well. It’s not professional. But that’s okay because I have no need to be Hilary Clinton right now. And if need be, I can hide it with flipping my side part to the other side and you’d never know a thing.
I didn’t cut my hair to be symbolic of teenage rebellion or make a political move against my mom or authority or something crazy. I cut my hair because in a moment of courage, I felt the confidence to be myself. I realize that with this haircut comes a lot of criticism. I’m going to get weird looks, comments, and questions. Someone’s already asked me if this was my way of coming out. My question is, why are you judging me based off of my hair?
Gay marriage was legalized across the nation today and you want to make assumptions about me based on my outward appearance? What century am I in? What, because in the 10 minutes that I cut my hair, have I now become a hoodlum? Is my former intelligent, respectful, and demure self now worthless, troublesome, and stupid? If my personality is limited to my looks then I guess I must be a real bum because I’ve gone to the supermarket in red Santa pajamas, a high bun, and giant sunglasses before.
Maybe I’m too progressive for my time. Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe I’m in the wrong. But if you feel the need to dish out some criticism or harsh words about my look, think one thing: what gain will you have by sharing your negative opinion? My friend Joe sent me a video for me to reevaluate here about criticism. It falls under two categories, feedback and negative opinions. There’s no gain in anyone. By calling me a lesbian, a slut, dirty, or reckless, it’s not going to change anything. It won’t make you feel any better. It just sends across a message that you’re uncomfortable with what I’m doing and feel the need to rectify it because it reflects in yourself.
Maybe that’s where self-worth comes into play. Regardless, I’m really happy with how I look. I feel guilty and awful that some people can’t accept it. I’m disappointed that looking at me evokes embarrassment, shame, and more disappointment because in the end, it’s just hair. It’ll grow back. It’s not like I got a tattoo or piercing (not that there’s anything wrong with that), it’s a temporary hair cut. If anything, it’ll be a learning curve. Maybe I’ll see how harsh the world can be.
Bottom line: I’m still me. I’m still the ambitious, young, driven, and determined. None of me has changed. So please don’t look at me like the light from your life has gone.