I haven’t blogged this in a while, I haven’t really written what I’ve felt or about who I’ve felt anything for. I have so much going on that I don’t know what to write or how to begin or how to write it. I just, lots of emotions right now.
Some things have been going on lately in my personal life that have left me nostalgic and sad and uncomfortable and just, for a lack of better terms, grey. I’ve been sick for a few weeks now too, so that probably has dampened my mood.
Do you ever feel like you exist and you are here and you are present, but your mind is floating and detached? Do you ever feel so light and airy, but your steps are heavy and your movements lethargic? There’s so much to change in this world and so much to accomplish and do, but you’re weighted down by this foggy sense of apathy? Or that life is so colorful and food smells so delicious but in your mouth, it’s just bland and lackluster? Maybe that’s why I’ve been putting so much sugar in my tea.
Do you ever miss someone so much? That you drift around wondering when you can see him or her again? Do you look at pictures, few as they are, and wonder what went wrong? I do. I’m remembering small things like how crisp you like your bacon and how you sit in a chair and all of these small details, but I can’t remember how you sound or smell.
I remember the things like how when I hug you, my head would be to the right of your shoulder because if I leaned my head on the left side, it would hit your battery. I’m remembering how I used to try and get you to sleep with me but you would bump your head on my ceiling when you would get up for your medicine. I’m remembering all of these things. And I miss you so much. Dad, I miss you so much.
I feel so lost when I’m sad. I hit these lows and I wonder where you are to pick me up like when I was little. Where did you go? Why did you get sick? Do you miss me? What happened to being here for me? Do you remember that time I came home with my report card, 2nd term in 7th grade, and we had pho. And you said that it tasted extra delicious because you were happy that I was happy and succeeding in school. Do you remember that? We had pho and extra basil and two limes and we put rice in it at the end. I remember it so well. No one has told me they’ve been proud of my academics in so long daddy.
I miss you. No one ever asks me anymore how I think about how the wind howls or why it’s cold in the woods. Why didn’t I cherish you enough?